Jaunty Dumptruck O' News: Pizza Edition

Friends,

Now that the Riverside Press-Enterprise is outsourcing more and more of its news-gathering capabilities, we turn to City News Service for this breaking news bulletin (from yesterday. -ed):

"A 19-year-old reputed gang member who allegedly used a machete to rob a pizza deliveryman in Desert Hot Springs was free on bail today.

I hope they took Sparky's big butter knife away when they let him out. We'll pass over the middle of the story to see exactly what motivated the lad to audition for Tiger's spot in the next Gilette commercial...

"Investigators believe [Machete Guy] and another young man were armed with machetes as waited in the driveway for the deliveryman. Two other alleged cohorts arrived in a vehicle during the holdup, according to [the sergeant].
[Machete Guy] is suspected of swinging a machete at the deliveryman, who was not injured, the sergeant said.
The men got away with $30 in cash and $30 worth of pizza, according to [the sergeant].

Got that? Four guys were willing to go to jail for one and a half yuppie food coupons, plus a couple mystery pizzas. That's pretty cheap!

And they say Americans aren't willing to take on the hard jobs...

- bob

I'm The CEO! Marketing Edition

Friends,

Since we here in the United States of America essentially own two car companies, now seems to be a perfect time to help our charges move some iron. Who wouldn't want to get paid, after all? But really, so far the ads have been dismal...


No wonder the Obama administration thinks we'll lose $30 billion on the bailout. What we need is chicks! Double entendre! Muscle cars! Incredible deals!


They'll be streaming into the dealerships. Trust me.

- bob

Thanks to my new favorite place, TheAMCForum.com. Thanks!

Speaking Of Weather...

Friends,

Head on over to SnowCrystals.com for some fine photography from the very clever (and well funded) folks over at Caltech. They have galleries, a new book, and other nifty stuff to download. Sure, sometimes big snow falls like one today can be inconvenient, but you must agree that it's sure pretty.

- bob

from SnowCrystals.com via TreeHugger. Thanks!

Storm Watch! 2009! OMG! Edition!

Friends,

The big news today is that the Federal EPA is considering a rule to declare carbon dioxide, the gas that you exhale and that plants inhale, to be dangerous. It's even been said that carbon dioxide is a main cause of the alarming malady once called "global warming," now referred to under the more quaint title of "climate change."


And while we're constantly reminded not to equate the weather with the climate, I think it's always interesting to look at what's happening outside my window while considering the frequent flier miles all of the delegates in Copenhagen racked up to express their deep concern about all this warming.


It's been said before, but worth repeating; I'll treat climate change like a crisis when the people who keep telling us it's a crisis starting treating it like a crisis. Which doesn't seem to have happened yet.

Your best (chilly) pal,

- bob

Happy December First!

Friends,

The little girly puppy dog is sick. Could be the religious extremist** in town poisoning dogs to remove the demons on earth, could be that she ate something bad while in the desert. It's hard to know at this point, and while she didn't eat at all yesterday or her breakfast this morning, she looked well enough that I decided to head down to the Festival of Dirt this morning.

I suppose I should be honored that the Indian Wells Police Department thinks my elderly Jeep Grand Livingroom can go as fast as they say it was going this morning, but there's a reason that Lidar is pronounced "LIE-dahr."

Stupid Tuesday, indeed.

- bob

** Thanks to frequent commenter KC and her finely tuned lingometer for pushing me in the direction of using "extremist" instead of "fundamentalist." There's a huge difference between the two, but I think the former is much more accurate in this case.

Thanksgiving Photo Blort!

Friends,

We had thought a couple weeks ago that we'd spend Thanksgiving in L.A. County, but in the end we were happy to head on down to the desert for the holiday...


We all enjoyed the bountiful harvest...


...fun times with family and a generous spread left us a little sleepy though, so we turned in early...


...then got up early, had some breakfast and assembled for some happy snaps...


...but then it was time for us to make the unpopular decision to head back up the hill...


To this...


All of us up here at the Secret Alpine Laboratories of Jaunty Central wish you all the very best. Thanks again for stopping by.

Your pal,

bob

Happy Thanksgiving!

Friends,

Thanksgiving in the United States is tomorrow. Some people in this country will eat turkey to celebrate and I will stare at them while enjoying my Tofurkey soda. Make sure to rest your eyes to prepare for the delightful photo onslaught to come. That's because we care.

Your pal,

bob

Vinegar Joe Says No, Holds Breath

Friends,

Former Democrat, now party-of-me Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman has decided that any mention of a public insurance option in the Senate version of the health care bill must go. The idea that several large health insurance companies are based in his state and have contributed handsomely to his campaigns had no impact on his decision. Clearly, Vinegar Joe sees that a market-based solution to making health care available and affordable to everyone must be the best approach—because it's worked so well up to this point, I might add. So I will.

BTW, he's the 60th vote to close debate and force a vote on the bill, in case you've lost your scorecard.

So the public option we're left with at the moment is either your traditional tar and feathers, or perhaps the more viscerally satisfying torches and pitchforks. See? Who says they've limited your right to choose?

- bob

I'm The CEO! Product Planning Edition

Friends,

General Motors, the global manufacturing behemoth that we American taxpayers *cough* own, just doesn't seem to understand what vehicles Americans can actually use. I haven't been shy about my hope that somebody will bring back the compact pickup of the 70s. No, not the metal dashboard, lowest common denominator death wagons we drove back then, but not the squished versions of full-sized trucks Nissan and Toyota are pushing.

Could we use Brazilian front wheel drive unibody pickup with a 1.8 liter flex fuel four? Could GM own the segment for small pickups with a vehicle they already build with a motor they already (I think) sell here? A segment that Volkswagen and Chrysler abandoned in these United States nearly thirty years ago?

Could they sell enough to make enough money to give you and me back our money? Could you use one? Discuss.

- bob

NOTE: The '84 Dodge Rampage picture in the Chrysler link is our friend Nick's very own trucklet seen at Nick's Garage. He's a good guy, really knows his stuff and I'm sure this Fiat thing is killing him. Thanks, Nick!

Breaking News! - Critter Edition

Friends,

There's breaking news coming out of Elsinore this morning. Shocking news about a critter. The Riverside Press-Enterprise's very own Duke of Didact has the details:

JUST IN: Horse joins commute in Perris
By PE News

A horse has joined the morning commute today near busy Highway 74 between Perris and Elsinore, according to the California Highway Patrol website.

The critter was reported walking in traffic lanes at 5:44 a.m. along Theda Street just north of Highway 74.

Animal control authorities have been summoned.

—Richard Brooks

Is it just me, or do you not consider an animal as large as a horse to be a "critter"? I thought the term was reserved for the opossum, raccoons, and other, you know, varmints. Discuss.

- bob

A Bountiful Harvest

Friends,

I believe this fine new (thankfully) limited-edition product confidently answers a question that nobody has asked. And I mean nobody.

- bob


Editor's Note: unless the question is "how can jones soda make a marketing splash and create some much-needed interest?" i know, buzzkill. - ed

(from the Chicago Sun-Times via Consumerist. Thanks!)

UPDATE: Please take some time to visit Cake Wrecks when you get the chance. Where else can you cast your gaze (and glaze) upon a turkey cake!

The Eleventh Hour of The Eleventh Day of The Eleventh Month

Friends,

Today is Veteran's Day. That these proud men and women only get a single day to honor their service seems not to be enough. I'd like to propose that we recognize their sacrifice every day in a very particular way. While every single veteran of our armed services should have every possible need provided for them in perpetuity, at least you can do something symbolic to show your support.


I suggest that you befriend a veteran tomorrow and take them for a ride in your Jeep. Your new friend should be reminded that things might get bouncy.

- bob

An Upbeat Little Ditty

Friends,

On this day in 1975, the SS Edmund Fitzgerald sunk in Lake Superior, along with her crew of 29. This led to Gordon Lightfoot writing and performing one of the most annoying and hated songs in the history of all recorded music (more annoying than the monster mash? - ed That's a tough call.)

- bob

I'm The CEO! What Did We Buy?

Friends,

You may remember back a few hundred days ago when we bought a ten percent stake in the Chrysler Corporation, then gave the company to the quality mavens at Fiat. The day before yesterday, the new bosses unveiled their plans for new products. If the company lives long enough, it appears that they're looking to build some real crap. I'm really only interested in Jeep though, and there was a presentation for that (warning: PDF link). Let's take a look at how little they understand the American market!

What first caught my eye was their discussion of the history of the brand...


First crossover? (it's not hyphenated, by the way. and what the hell is with the greengrocer's apostrophe? -ed That's my gig, isn't it?) Are they talking about this, perhaps?


Elegance WITH capability is clearly evident here, so we can't quibble there. Just look!

But what about the children? Jeep appeals to everyone, after all. But how on earth can we indoctrinate the children? It's already happening, people...


Oh, James.

Jeep has also inspired people to join together all over the world to chase oil leaks and replace broken axles. Even in Hemet...


But moving forward, how will Jeep keep the hardcore fans involved while appealing to new buyers? The lifestyle set, if you will...


Um, holy crap? Is this the new face of Jeep? The clip art lady with a cheap hat? I'm sure we'll see her at the next Jamboree in her Compass. Along with this guy...


He might be from Hemet. Or somewhere else...


Oh, you young aspirationals. So furry. Maybe you're not interested in rockcrawling after all. We can help...


Can we talk about genetic mutations for a moment? Perhaps you'd like a Fiat Panda with a seven-slot grille in 2013.

WTF.

- bob

UPDATE: Oops! Forgot to credit The Truth About Cars and Allpar. Thanks guys!

UPDATE II: It turns out that Chrysler Corp. dealers hate the new ads too. Kinda like saying that leeches are sick and tired of the whole vampire meme, but we'll take it where we can get it.

A Public Service Announcement

Friends,

I had no idea that this year marked Smokey Bear's 65th anniversary, but apparently everyone else did, including El Orosito Bombero himself who got something of a makeover this year. A new suit, a new ad campaign, new videos, and you can even friend him on Facebook. It's a far cry from his previous social networking campaign...


All this leads up to Adventure Pass free day in the national forests on Veteran's Day, November 11th. Come enjoy the joint for free and refrain from burning it down, okay?

Your pal,

bob